So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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