Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
