You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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