the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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