dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
