Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
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She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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