Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
