Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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