Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
