i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
