Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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