Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
