Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
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im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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