I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am one with the molecules
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
