sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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