I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
