Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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