Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
