You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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