We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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