I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
