I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
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There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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