Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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