I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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