i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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