This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
