Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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