Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
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