i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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