I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
