Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
