it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
