I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
