If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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