whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
