What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
