i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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