I hate all girls vehemently.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
