My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
