something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
