my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
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Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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