I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
