I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
