woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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