That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
These tits shall not be calmed
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
