Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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