Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So vagazzling was a success
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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