There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
