His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
