Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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