I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
