Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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