Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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