we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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