i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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